Your Ex Wasn’t a Narcissist — You Just Didn’t Have Boundaries

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We’ve all heard it.
“He’s a narcissist.”
“She was totally emotionally abusive.”
“They gaslit me for years.”

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And sometimes? That’s true.
Real narcissism exists. Abuse exists.
But sometimes… we’re using psychology buzzwords to explain heartbreak — when what we actually needed were boundaries.

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Let’s talk about the difference between narcissism and emotional immaturity, how TikTok therapy culture is warping our relationships, and why therapy can help you stop pathologizing your ex — and start healing yourself.

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🧠 First: What Is a Narcissist, Really?

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The term narcissist has become internet shorthand for “someone who treated me badly.” But clinically, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a rare and complex mental health condition that includes:

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• A deep need for admiration
• Lack of empathy
• Inflated sense of self-importance
• Fragile self-esteem
• Patterns of manipulation, control, or exploitation

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Only about 1% of the population meets the criteria for NPD.

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That means the ex who ghosted you or wasn’t emotionally available?
Probably not a narcissist.
Probably just emotionally unavailable. Which still hurts — but doesn’t need a diagnosis to validate.

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😬 Why We Default to Labels

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It’s easier to say:

“They were a narcissist”
than to say:
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“I didn’t have boundaries.”
“I stayed too long.”
“I ignored red flags because I was afraid of being alone.”

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Pathologizing our exes can help us feel:

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• Justified
• Blameless
• In control of the narrative

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But it often blocks us from the real work — like exploring our patterns, our attachment style, our tolerances, and our unmet needs.

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📱 When Therapy-Speak Becomes a Shield

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Therapy language has gone viral — and that’s not all bad!
But when we start casually using terms like:

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• Narcissist
• Gaslighting
• Trauma bond
• Love bombing
• Boundaries
  …we need to check ourselves.

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Are we using these words to seek clarity?
Or are we using them to avoid responsibility?

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Not every bad date is narcissistic abuse.
Not every miscommunication is gaslighting.
Sometimes we’re just… hurt.

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🛑 Real Talk: Were They Toxic — Or Were You Unclear?

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Here’s a tough question:

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Did you express your boundaries clearly and consistently?
Or did you:

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• Hope they’d magically know what you needed
• Stay silent out of fear
• Use “fixing” or “pleasing” as a way to feel loved
• Confuse drama with passion

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This isn’t about blame — it’s about ownership.
You can’t control someone else’s behaviour.
But you can look at what parts of you tolerated it.

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Again — this doesn’t excuse bad behaviour.
But if you want real healing, start with what you can change.

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🛠️ How to Stop Pathologizing — and Start Healing

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1. Drop the Diagnosis

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Let go of trying to pin a label on your ex. It might feel satisfying short-term, but it usually keeps you stuck.

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2. Look at Your Side of the Street

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Ask:

• Where did I abandon myself to keep the relationship going?
• What did I tolerate that I didn’t want to admit?
• What were my fears — and how did they shape my choices?

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3. Get Curious, Not Cruel

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Don’t judge yourself for past decisions. Get curious about what part of you needed love — and what it learned in the process.

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4. Learn Actual Boundaries

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Boundaries aren’t ultimatums. They’re clarity.
They sound like:

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• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “If this continues, I will need to walk away.”
• “I care about you, but I need space right now.”

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🧘‍♀️ How Therapy Can Help

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A good therapist won’t let you spiral into blame.
They’ll help you:

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• Process the grief, anger, and confusion
• Unpack patterns and attachment wounds
• Rebuild your sense of self-trust
• Practice boundary-setting in real time
• Create a future version of you that doesn’t settle for less

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At KMA Therapy, we support people who are navigating:

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• Breakups and heartbreak
• Rebuilding self-esteem
• Rewriting attachment patterns
• Letting go of toxic relationship habits
• Dating with clarity instead of chaos

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Whether you were ghosted or gutted, you don’t have to make someone else the villain to validate your pain.
You just have to start listening to what you needed — and still do.

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💖 TL;DR

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Maybe your ex was a narcissist.
Or maybe… you were just deeply in need of boundaries.

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Either way, the healing doesn’t come from naming their flaws.
It comes from understanding your needs — and never abandoning yourself again.

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Book your first free 15 minute introductory call today!

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