Scorekeeping in Relationships - How it hurts us, and how to stop
As a therapist, I hear it regularly:
"I’ve done way more for this relationship than you have!”
"I spent my whole weekend helping you. When’s the last time you did something like that for me?"
"Well, remember when you cancelled our weekend trip? So don’t get mad at me now."
Scorekeeping in a relationship is when one or both partners keep track of each other's mistakes, favours, or perceived imbalances. It’s a running tally of who did what, that often comes with resentment or comparison. It can sound subtle or be obvious, and it can creep into your relationship quickly.
If you find yourself in this dynamic, you may be experiencing its effects. You may catch yourself feeling irritated whenever you complete a chore or favour, noting that your partner didn’t do it for you. You may even feel a sense of resentment or dread when your partner does something kind, knowing it will be weaponized later.
In this article, I’ll break down the effects scorekeeping can have on your relationship and how to break the pattern.
5 Ways Scorekeeping is Affecting Your Relationship
1. It Turns Your Relationship into a Competition
When you're mentally tallying up who does more or who's “winning,” you stop being teammates and start being opponents. This builds resentment, and instead of solving problems together, you're focused on who's owed what.
“Why should I help you with this? You never helped me when I needed it.”
2. It Kills Gratitude and Generosity
Scorekeeping makes every action transactional; done for something rather than from love or care. Instead of feeling good when you do something for your partner, kind acts start to feel like obligations instead of gifts.
On the flip side, it makes it difficult to be grateful when your partner does something for you. You may question their intent and anticipate that the “generous” act will become weaponized to get something back or as a “one up” in an argument.
“I cooked dinner last night, and you can’t even take out the trash?”
3. It Prevents True Communication
Even when your relationship is one-sided, scorekeeping keeps you from addressing the root of the issue.
When you're focused on past imbalances, you're not addressing what you really feel; hurt, burnout, unacknowledged. Conversations stay surface-level or spiral into blame instead of real understanding.
“I don’t feel appreciated” gets masked as “You never do the dishes.”
4. It Breeds Resentment and Emotional Distance
Tallying up wrongs, especially if you feel like you're always “doing more” leads to bitterness. Scorekeeping also feeds on itself; when we form the habit of only noticing what we do for our partner, and never what our partner does for us, we start to rewrite the story of the relationship in a way that justifies our resentment.
We become blind to their efforts and hyper-aware of our own sacrifices. This creates a loop where even kind gestures go unnoticed, and we reinforce the belief that we’re the only one ‘doing the work’.
“Why bother trying if they’re not going to notice or return the favour?”
5. It Drowns Out the Bigger Picture
When every interaction becomes about “fairness”, the relationship shifts from mutual care to transactional bookkeeping. You’re stuck in counting instead of asking: Is this working for both of us?
You may miss signs of burnout, emotional disconnection, or mismatched needs because the focus is on score, not well-being.
“I do more!” vs. “I feel overwhelmed and alone. Can we talk about how to share this load better?”
How to Stop Scorekeeping
Scorekeeping keeps us from bringing our feeling of being unseen, overextended, or underppreciated to the table, and focuses on their shortcomings and missteps, instead.
What makes scorekeeping so damaging isn’t just the tallying of what you’ve done; it’s also the habit of overlooking or dismissing what your partner has done, no matter how small. So how do we break the cycle?
1. Notice and communicate what is being done, not just what’s missing.
Communicate how you’re feeling while giving your partner credit for what they’re doing, too.
Instead of:
"I’m always the one who has to step up."
Try:
"I’ve been feeling stretched lately. I know we’re both doing a lot, can we talk about how to share things more evenly?"
2. Check your mental scoreboard for bias.
Ask yourself if you’re only noticing what you give, not what you receive. Do you downplay your partner’s contributions because they’re different from yours? Have you formed a habit of “discounting the small stuff”?
Shift the mindset from "They never..." to "What might I be missing?"
3. Express needs, not accusations.
Blame and criticisms breed defensiveness. When we immediately shift into contempt or shaming, we corner our partners. This leaves them emotionally charged, and defending themselves. Instead of criticisms, try “I” statements that outline your needs rather than their shortcomings.
Instead of:
"You never show up for me."
Try:
"I’ve been feeling under-supported lately. I want to feel more connected; can we talk about how we support each other day to day?"
4. Create a culture of appreciation.
Even small efforts deserve recognition. Gratitude softens the urge to keep score because you start to notice the relationship as a whole, not as a competition.
Try saying:
"Hey, I really noticed that you [insert small but meaningful thing]. Thank you."
Over time, this shifts both of you from tracking “who owes who” to recognizing “how we care.”
Still struggling with scorekeeping?
It can be hard to break the pattern of scorekeeping. Even when we’re trying our best, we may still be met with defensiveness. We may also have a difficult time shaking the feeling of resentment.
A third party can help. If you struggle with scorekeeping in a relationship, couples therapy can be a relieving resource.
Book a 15-minute Discovery Call and get matched with a couples therapist as soon as this week.
