When Did Every Friendship Become a “Low-Maintenance Friendship”?

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“Low-maintenance friendship” has become something of a compliment.

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It describes the friend you can go weeks—or even months—without talking to, only to pick up exactly where you left off. There are no hard feelings, no constant check-ins required and no pressure to prove that the friendship is still intact.

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And to be clear, low-maintenance friendships can be wonderful. Adult life is busy. People move, change jobs, start relationships, have children, experience burnout and go through periods where they simply have less energy to give.

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But somewhere along the way, our celebration of the low-maintenance friendship may have started blurring into something else.

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We’ve become so proud of friendships that require almost nothing from us that it raises an uncomfortable question:

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At what point does “low maintenance” simply become low connection?

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Why Low-Maintenance Friendships Became So Appealing

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For many adults, maintaining friendships genuinely becomes more difficult with age.

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When we were younger, connection was often built into our lives. We saw friends at school, university, work, parties or other regular social environments. You didn't necessarily have to schedule friendship—it simply happened around you.

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Adult friendship can require significantly more coordination.

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One person works weekends. Another moved across the city. Someone is overwhelmed at work. Someone else is in a new relationship. Your schedules don't align, your group chat has 74 unread messages, and the dinner everyone keeps promising to plan somehow never makes it into the calendar.

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Against that backdrop, the idea of a friendship that can survive without constant attention feels comforting.

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There is something genuinely healthy about knowing:

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We don't have to talk every day for me to know you love me.

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The problem isn't having friendships that can withstand space.

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The problem is when space becomes the entire friendship.

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Low-Maintenance Friendship vs. Low Connection

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There is an important distinction between a friendship that doesn't require constant communication and one that is slowly disappearing.

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A healthy low-maintenance friendship might involve long stretches between conversations, but when you reconnect, there is still emotional closeness. You know what's happening in each other's lives. You can have meaningful conversations. You show up when something matters.

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Low connection can look surprisingly similar from the outside.

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You still follow each other.

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You still send birthday messages.

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You occasionally react to each other's Instagram Stories.

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You might even send each other a Reel every few weeks.

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But neither person really knows what's happening beneath the surface anymore.

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One useful question is:

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If something significant happened in your life tonight, would you actually call this person?

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If the answer is no, that doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is bad or needs to end. Relationships naturally change over time.

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But it may tell you something about how connected you actually feel.

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When “We Should Hang Out Soon” Becomes the Entire Friendship

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There may be no phrase more central to modern adult friendship than:

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“We seriously need to hang out soon.”

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And most of the time, we mean it.

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Then nobody chooses a date.

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Three weeks later, somebody sends a meme.

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Two months later, someone replies to an Instagram Story.

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Six months later, you run into each other and say:

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“How has it been THIS long?”

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Sometimes this is simply adulthood.

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But sometimes we may be using the language of friendship to maintain relationships we are no longer actively participating in.

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We still think of someone as one of our closest friends because they were one of our closest friends.

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Meanwhile, neither person has actually made space for the friendship in quite some time.

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That realization can be sad, but it can also be useful.

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Friendships don't necessarily end because something dramatic happened.

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Sometimes they simply stop being tended to.

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Social Media Can Make Us Feel More Connected Than We Are

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Technology has made it easier than ever to maintain some level of awareness about people we rarely speak to.

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You might know that your friend went to Montreal last weekend, started a new job, got a dog and went out for dinner on Friday.

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But you know those things because you watched their Stories.

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They never actually told you.

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That distinction matters.

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Social media can create a kind of ambient friendship where we remain loosely informed about someone's life without actively participating in it.

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And because we still see them regularly on our screens, we may not immediately notice how much the relationship itself has changed.

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Watching someone's life isn't necessarily the same thing as being part of it.

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The Friendship Recession May Be Part of This

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There has been growing conversation around adult loneliness and what some researchers and commentators have described as a “friendship recession.”

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Many people aren't necessarily completely alone. They may have coworkers, acquaintances, group chats, followers and people they occasionally socialize with.

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What can be missing is consistent, meaningful connection.

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This is part of what makes the low-maintenance friendship conversation interesting.

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Independence is valuable. So is having friends who don't become angry because you couldn't respond immediately.

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But humans also need relationships where someone notices when we've disappeared.

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Where someone asks the second question.

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Where someone remembers the thing we were nervous about last week and checks how it went.

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Sometimes closeness requires maintenance because maintenance is part of how closeness is created.

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Friendship Isn't Supposed to Feel Like Another Job

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None of this means friendships should become exhausting obligations.

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You shouldn't have to constantly prove your loyalty, respond immediately to every message or spend every weekend socializing to maintain meaningful relationships.

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Healthy friendship allows for changing capacity.

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There will be seasons where one person gives more.

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There will be months when work takes over.

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There will be periods where someone withdraws because life is simply difficult.

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A strong friendship can often survive those seasons precisely because there is trust underneath them.

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The goal isn't constant communication.

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It's intentional connection.

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There is a difference between:

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“We haven't talked much lately because life has been chaotic.”

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and:

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“Neither of us has invested in this friendship for two years, but we still call each other best friends.”

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Both situations can exist without blame.

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But they aren't necessarily the same relationship.

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Are We Becoming Afraid of Asking for More From Our Friendships?

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Part of the popularity of low-maintenance friendship may also come from our discomfort with appearing needy.

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Nobody wants to be the friend who seems demanding.

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So when someone repeatedly cancels plans, doesn't respond or rarely initiates contact, we may tell ourselves:

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It's fine. We're low maintenance.

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Sometimes it genuinely is fine.

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Other times, we may actually feel hurt.

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Wanting your friends to make time for you doesn't automatically make you demanding.

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Wanting someone to check in doesn't make you clingy.

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Missing someone isn't embarrassing.

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And saying, “I feel like we haven't really connected lately,” isn't necessarily creating unnecessary conflict.

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Friendship involves needs just like every other meaningful relationship.

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Pretending we don't have them doesn't make those needs disappear.

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Low Maintenance Shouldn't Mean Low Effort

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Perhaps the healthiest version of a low-maintenance friendship isn't one where nobody makes an effort.

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It's one where the friendship doesn't measure love through constant access.

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You don't need daily texts.

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You don't need immediate responses.

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You don't need to see each other every weekend.

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But when it matters, you show up.

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You make the plan sometimes.

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You initiate the conversation.

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You remember what's happening in their life.

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You ask how they're actually doing.

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You create enough moments of connection that the friendship has something to sustain itself on.

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Because relationships can survive periods of distance.

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They have a much harder time surviving permanent disengagement.

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If You Miss Your Friends, Tell Them

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One of the simplest things we can do may also feel strangely vulnerable:

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Tell someone you miss them.

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Not:

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“OMG we need to hang out!!!”

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Try:

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“I've been thinking about you lately and I feel like we haven't properly caught up in forever. Are you free next Thursday?”

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Specificity turns affection into action.

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You don't need to rebuild your entire social life overnight.

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Pick one person.

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Send one message.

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Make one plan.

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Call someone instead of sending another Reel.

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Ask the question you've been meaning to ask.

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Friendship doesn't always need a dramatic intervention.

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Sometimes it simply needs someone to go first.

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Maybe Friendship Is Supposed to Require Something From Us

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There is a lot to appreciate about relationships that give us freedom.

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We should be able to have busy lives. We should be able to take space. We should have friends who understand that silence doesn't automatically mean rejection.

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But perhaps we've taken the ideal of effortless friendship a little too far.

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The strongest friendships aren't necessarily the ones that require the least from us.

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They're often the ones where the effort feels mutual and worthwhile.

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A low-maintenance friendship can still be deeply connected.

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It can still involve showing up.

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It can still involve vulnerability.

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It can still require effort.

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Because “low maintenance” should describe the pressure in the friendship—not the amount of care.

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And maybe the friendships that last aren't the ones we never have to maintain.

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They're the ones we decide are worth maintaining.

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Looking for Support With Friendship, Loneliness or Connection?

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Friendship changes, loneliness and relationship patterns can be difficult to navigate on your own. Therapy can provide a space to explore how you connect with others, what you need from your relationships and whether old patterns may be getting in the way of the kind of connection you want.

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At KMA Therapy, our therapists work with individuals across Toronto navigating relationships, loneliness, boundaries, life transitions and emotional connection.

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Book your free 15-minute discovery call to find a therapist who feels like the right fit.

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