The Art of Holding Two Truths: Learning Dialectical Thinking for Everyday Life
Why Is Everything Either Amazing or Awful?
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m either a total failure or a complete success,” or “They either love me or hate me,” you’re not alone. Most of us, especially when we’re stressed, anxious, or emotionally raw, default to black-and-white thinking. It’s easier, cleaner, and feels safer. The gray area? Messy. Uncomfortable. Complicated.
But life is complicated. People can be kind and disappointing. You can love your job and still dread Monday mornings. You can forgive someone and still feel hurt. And navigating these contradictions without getting emotionally whiplashed? That’s where dialectical thinking comes in.
Borrowed from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) — a therapeutic approach originally developed for people with intense emotions and relationship struggles — dialectical thinking invites us to hold two seemingly opposite truths at the same time, without needing to pick a side.
It sounds simple. It’s not. But it is a skill you can learn, practice, and use to make your everyday life a little calmer and a lot more manageable.
What Is Dialectical Thinking?
At its core, dialectical thinking means understanding that:
- Two things can be true at the same time.
- Life isn’t either/or — it’s both/and.
- Change and acceptance can coexist.
In DBT, this is called holding the dialectic — the tension between opposing truths — without trying to cancel one out or choose a winner. And it’s surprisingly healing.
Example:
- I am doing the best I can, and I need to do better if I want different results.
- I miss my ex, and I know getting back together isn’t healthy for me.
- I’m terrified of change, and I’m ready for something new.
This isn’t about finding a neat, perfect middle ground. It’s about making space for the messy, conflicting, beautiful complexity of being human.
In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), this is called holding the dialectic — the tension between opposing truths — without trying to cancel one out, pick a side, or declare a winner. It means making room for contradictions, knowing they don’t cancel each other out but can sit beside one another in the same messy, complicated moment.
And surprisingly, this kind of thinking is healing.
Why? Because so much of our suffering comes from feeling like we have to choose. We’re told we have to either stay angry or forgive. Either move on or mourn. Either feel happy or be broken. When you learn to hold two conflicting realities at the same time, you ease the pressure to resolve, fix, or force things into neat categories before you’re ready. It gives you permission to be a whole person, rather than one flattened into a single label or role.
Here are a few everyday examples of dialectical thinking in action:
- “I am doing the best I can with what I have right now, and I know I need to make some changes if I want different outcomes.”
- “I miss my ex so much it physically hurts, and I know getting back together would not be healthy for me.”
- “I’m absolutely terrified of changing careers, and I know deep down it’s time to take a risk.”
Notice how in each example, neither part of the sentence cancels out the other. Both feelings, thoughts, or realities are acknowledged and given space. No winner. No loser. Just a wider, more generous container for truth.
It’s important to clarify that dialectical thinking isn’t about landing perfectly in the middle or watering down your emotions. It’s not about saying “Well, everything’s kind of fine, I guess.” It’s about expanding your capacity to hold complexity without needing to immediately fix, solve, or categorize it.
Because the reality is:
- Some days you’ll feel hopeful and completely hopeless within the same hour.
- You can be incredibly strong and still crumble sometimes.
- You might believe in your own resilience while also dreading the next hard thing you have to face.
And all of that is deeply, perfectly human.
Dialectical thinking makes room for this fullness. It lets you hold conflicting emotions without self-judgment, make decisions in the middle of uncertainty, and live with yourself kindly, even when you haven’t figured it all out.
In therapy, dialectical thinking is one of the foundational tools for navigating big emotions, relationship conflicts, trauma healing, and life transitions because it relieves the impossible pressure to feel one clear thing or be one clear way all the time.
Learning to think dialectically is like giving yourself a big exhale in a world that keeps demanding you pick a side.
Why Is This So Hard?
Because our brains crave certainty and simplicity. Black-and-white thinking is a survival mechanism. In high-stress situations, it’s helpful to quickly sort things into safe vs unsafe, good vs bad. The problem is, we often stay stuck in those mental shortcuts long after the danger has passed.
When black-and-white thinking takes over, it can look like:
- Labeling yourself as a bad person because you made a mistake.
- Cutting people off after one disagreement.
- Believing your relationship is doomed because you had one bad week.
- Telling yourself you’ll never be happy because you’re sad right now.
It’s emotionally exhausting. And it leaves no room for nuance, growth, or compassion.
What Happens When You Start Holding Two Truths?
Life softens. Tension eases. Emotions feel less overwhelming. You don’t have to convince yourself you’re fine when you’re not, or that everything’s ruined because you had a bad day.
Holding two truths means you can:
- Validate your emotions and challenge your unhelpful thoughts.
- Love people and set boundaries.
- Celebrate progress and acknowledge you have further to go.
- Feel anxious and trust yourself to handle it.
It creates a kind of emotional flexibility that makes it easier to stay grounded in tough moments.
What Happens When You Start Holding Two Truths?
Life softens. Tension eases. Emotions feel less overwhelming. You don’t have to convince yourself you’re fine when you’re not, or that everything’s ruined because you had a bad day.
Holding two truths means you can:
- Validate your emotions and challenge your unhelpful thoughts.
- Love people and set boundaries.
- Celebrate progress and acknowledge you have further to go.
- Feel anxious and trust yourself to handle it.
It creates a kind of emotional flexibility that makes it easier to stay grounded in tough moments.
10 Therapist-Approved Ways to Practice Dialectical Thinking
Let’s make this practical. Here are ten fresh, real-life ways to practice holding two truths — even if your brain loves extremes:
1. Catch the “Always/Never” Trap Notice when your thoughts include words like always, never, everyone, or no one. These are usually signs you’re stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. If you catch yourself thinking, “I always screw things up,” pause and challenge yourself: is that 100% true? Are there situations where you handled things well? Where you managed, or did something skillfully? By slowing down and intentionally searching for exceptions to these absolute statements, you open yourself up to a more balanced and honest view of yourself and your experiences. This takes practice, but over time you’ll find it easier to spot and reframe these extremes before they drag you into a spiral.
2. Try the “Both Are True” Sentence When you notice yourself pulled between two extremes, literally say (or write down): Both are true. This simple sentence helps create a tiny pocket of space between you and the urge to pick one side and reject the other. For example: I feel hurt my friend canceled plans, and I understand she’s overwhelmed right now. Or, I’m excited for this opportunity, and I’m scared I’ll fail. The phrasing matters — it shifts your brain out of either/or and into both/and. Try using this phrase out loud in conversations, in your journal, or silently to yourself when you feel conflicted. It’s a deceptively simple but powerful tool.
3. Use a Dialectical Journal Start jotting down daily situations where two truths existed together. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. It could be tiny things: I wanted to stay home, and I’m glad I went out. I feel proud of my work, and I know it could be better. This trains your brain to notice dialectics in everyday life, not just during big emotional moments. The more you practice identifying these, the easier it becomes to naturally hold both truths without feeling like you’re betraying one or the other.
4. Practice Saying “And” Instead of “But” But cancels out what came before it. And holds space for both parts. For example: I love you, but you hurt my feelings versus I love you, and you hurt my feelings. See how the second one feels truer and more compassionate? It acknowledges both the connection and the hurt without erasing either. Start paying attention to how often you use but in your thoughts and conversations, and experiment with swapping in and instead. Notice how it shifts the tone and emotional weight of what you’re expressing.
5. Visualize a Tug-of-War Rope When you feel torn between two truths, imagine them pulling on opposite ends of a rope. Picture yourself letting go of both ends. Watch them fall. You don’t have to pick a side. Just let them coexist for a while. This visualization is helpful because it physically represents the internal tension we feel when we’re trying to resolve two conflicting truths. Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up on either one — it means you’re choosing not to exhaust yourself trying to control them.
6. Name the Validity in Both Sides Even when one side feels wrong, look for the logic or emotion underneath it. For example: I want to forgive my friend for lying, and I feel deeply betrayed. Both are valid. Both are real. You don’t have to resolve it immediately. By naming the parts that feel true in both perspectives, you make room for complexity in your emotional world. This helps reduce shame and self-judgment and can deepen empathy for yourself and others.
7. Let Yourself Feel Conflicted You’re allowed to be unsure, ambivalent, or inconsistent. Feelings are messy. Trust that clarity comes from letting yourself feel it all, not from shutting parts of yourself down. The discomfort of holding two truths can be intense, but it’s also a sign of growth. The ability to sit in contradiction without immediately resolving it is a mark of emotional maturity. Practice reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel both grief and relief, anger and affection, hope and fear.
8. Watch for the Inner Critic’s Extremes Your inner critic loves absolutes: You’re a terrible friend. You always ruin things. Counter those with dialectics: I made a mistake, and I’m a caring friend. I struggled today, and I’ve handled hard things before. Notice when your inner critic speaks in extremes and consciously introduce a more balanced, both/and response. This doesn’t mean ignoring accountability; it means holding accountability alongside self-compassion.
9. Practice With Low-Stakes Situations Start small. I’m craving pizza, and I’m trying to eat healthy. I’m tired, and I want to finish this show. Notice how holding both truths in tiny decisions makes it easier to do it when the stakes are higher. Practicing in low-stress moments builds your capacity to handle the emotionally loaded ones. Over time, you’ll strengthen your dialectical thinking muscle, and it will feel more natural in situations where it really counts.
10. Remind Yourself: It’s a Practice, Not a Perfection Test You won’t master this overnight. Some days you’ll slip into extremes. The goal isn’t to never think in black and white — it’s to notice when you do, and gently invite yourself back to the gray. Think of dialectical thinking as a lifelong practice, like meditation or gratitude. The value isn’t in being perfect at it, but in returning to it over and over, especially when it’s hard.
Final Thoughts: Making Peace With the Messy Middle
Life isn’t tidy. It doesn’t fit into neat categories. And learning to hold two truths — to embrace both/and thinking — is one of the most compassionate gifts you can give yourself.
It won’t make the hard things disappear, but it will soften them. It won’t cure your anxiety, but it will remind you that you can feel anxious and capable at the same time. It makes space for nuance, for contradiction, and for the beautifully imperfect reality of being human.
If this resonates with you, and you’re craving support in learning how to navigate life’s gray areas, KMA Therapy is here for you. Our team specializes in evidence-based, heart-centered approaches like DBT that help people like you hold both their pain and their hope, their fear and their courage.
If you're ready to begin your journey, book a free 15-minute discovery call with one of our registered therapists — and join our DBT Group Therapy waitlist today. ✨
