How do I support someone grieving? – Therapist breaks down what to do and what to avoid
Supporting someone who’s experiencing grief is not always straightforward. We don’t always know what to say or what’s helpful, and we may be confused by our loved one’s reaction to what we thought was a supportive sentiment.
As a therapist, I have supported people through grief and heard the ins and outs of what’s helpful, and what absolutely isn’t. In this article, I will break down 10 things that are helpful, and 10 things that absolutely are not.
10 Things to Avoid When Supporting Someone Grieving
1. Any Variation of “Everything Happens for a Reason”
This phrase can come off as dismissive or even cruel, especially in the raw moments of loss. Regardless of its intention, it invalidates the depth of someone's pain or suggest their suffering is part of a grand plan they didn’t agree to. Avoid it at all costs.
2. Comparisons with Your Own Experiences
Even if you’ve experienced loss yourself, everyone grieves differently. Saying “I know exactly how you feel” or comparing losses can feel like you're centering yourself, or worse, competing about whose pain is bigger. Offer compassion without making it about you.
3. Lecturing
Grieving people don’t need a lecture (and they’re getting enough of them already) they need a listener. Ask how they’re doing and then truly listen. Let them lead the conversation or sit in silence with them.
4. Avoiding the Griever
It’s common to feel unsure of what to say or worry you’re saying the wrong thing, but disappearing entirely only deepens the griever’s isolation. Offer a simple “I’m here for you” or check in regularly, even without the perfect words. Even if your loved one doesn’t respond (and they might not) knowing you’re there can make a huge difference.
5. Toxic Positivity
Phrases like “Look on the bright side” or “At least they lived a long life” can come off as invalidating. Grief is not something you can make right with positivity. Allow people to sit with the sadness without trying to force optimism, even if it’s uncomfortable.
6. “Fixing” Things
Grief isn’t a problem to solve. Trying to offer solutions can make someone feel unheard. Do not suggest new routines, distracting activities, or advice if the griever is not asking for them.
7. Minimizing the Pain
Avoid saying things like “It could be worse” or “Others have it harder.” Grief is not a competition, and minimizing someone’s pain doesn’t help them heal or “get over it”. It only makes grievers feel guilty or misunderstood.
8. Enforcing Any Sort of Timeline
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Don’t expect someone to “be over it” in a certain number of weeks or months. Let them grieve at their own pace, and don’t rush their healing process.
9. Judging What Is and Isn’t ‘Healthy’ Grieving
Grief can feel all-consuming and looks different for everyone. Maybe they’re sleeping more, withdrawing, watching TV for hours, or not showering for a bit. Unless you’re seeing signs of serious harm (like self-harm or dangerous behaviours), try not to critique or diagnose their grief. Be there, not as a monitor, but as a companion.
10. Doing things without permission
This one isn’t talked about enough, but whether done with the best intentions or by accident, touching or moving things that belonged to the deceased can be deeply upsetting for someone grieving. Cleaning up a room that belonged to the deceased or washing the last plate they used may unintentionally erase traces of the person and disrupt the griever's connection to those memories. Even if you feel the urge to “help them move on”, it’s important to check in first and ask if they want those tasks to be handled.
10 Things to Support a Grieving Loved One
You may have noticed a pattern in the list of things not to do. The things that are most harmful often come from a desire to resolve the situation or make the griever feel better. The truth is, grief doesn’t need fixing; it needs understanding, patience, and space to unfold. Here are 10 things you can do to truly support someone who’s grieving.
1. Stay where the griever is
Grief is unpredictable, and it doesn't follow a straight path. One day, the griever may seem like they're managing okay, and the next, they could be overwhelmed by sadness or anger.
To truly support them, you need to stay present, no matter where they are emotionally. This means accepting their feelings without trying to change them. If they’re angry, don’t try to soothe that emotion. Just let them feel what they feel. The goal is to be a steady presence, acknowledging that their emotional experience is valid, even if you don’t fully understand it.
2. Give Them Practical Support
Grief can make even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. Sometimes, it's not the emotional support but the practical help that makes a world of difference. Offer to help with everyday tasks like making meals, running errands, or helping with housework (remembering the 10th item in the “do not” list).
Be specific: “I’m bringing you lunch on Thursday”, or “I’m going to pick up your dry cleaning. What else can I do while I’m out?”. Practical support removes the mental burden from the griever, giving them the space to process their emotions.
3. Acknowledge That You Don’t Understand
Grief is a human experience, but it’s also a deeply personal experience. No two people grieve the same way. You may want to help, but it’s important to acknowledge that you can’t understand the pain in the same way they feel it.
Statements like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I’m here with you every step of the way” shows humility and respect. Offer your compassion while acknowledging the uniqueness of their grief.
4. Be the “Blocker”
Sometimes, others (even well-meaning people) may say the wrong thing or offer unsolicited advice, which can make the griever feel misunderstood or pressured. As a trusted support person, you can play the role of a “blocker”; someone who shields the griever from these hurtful comments.
This might involve gently steering the conversation away from harmful advice like “You should try to stay busy” or “It’s time to move on”. If someone says something that might upset the griever, step in and redirect, saying something like, “I know you mean well, but this is a really hard time, and that isn’t helpful right now”. The goal is to create a safe space for the griever by protecting them from unnecessary emotional strain.
5. Just Be There
Grief doesn’t always need words, sometimes, it just needs presence. You don’t have to have the perfect thing to say or do. Sometimes sitting quietly with the griever is enough. When in doubt, just be there.
A comforting touch, a shared moment of silence, or a simple “I’m here if you need me” can make the griever feel supported without adding any pressure.
6. Encourage the Self-Care You See
Grief often makes it hard for people to take care of themselves. They might stop eating, forget to shower, or neglect other self-care habits. Encourage the self-care you see without making them feel guilty about what they’re not doing.
If they’re resting, let them know you admire their ability to take a break. If they’re eating something healthy, acknowledge it without being patronizing. Sometimes, a gentle nudge like “I noticed you’ve been getting outside more lately, that’s awesome” can help reinforce positive habits without pressuring them to do anything they’re not ready for.
7. Honour the Deceased
One of the most meaningful ways to support a loved one is by helping keep the memory of the deceased alive. Share stories, memories, or moments that you cherished with the person who’s gone.
Invite the griever to talk about their loved one and listen with open ears. You could also do something symbolic in their honour, like lighting a candle, creating a photo album, or simply sharing a special memory. This helps the griever feel like their loved one hasn’t been erased, and that their memory is something worth holding onto.
8. “Take It” When They’re Not Who You Think They’d Be
Grief can change people. A normally composed, calm person might suddenly be full of anger, frustration, or deep sadness. Even if those reactions don’t align with who you know them to be, let them express themselves fully, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult to witness.
If they seem distant, don’t take it personally. Instead, offer understanding and patience. Allow them the freedom to feel, even if it feels out of character for them.
9. Listen
Listening is perhaps the most important thing you can do to support someone grieving. It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to say something comforting or helpful, but often, the griever simply needs someone who will listen without offering advice, fixing the problem, or talking about your own experiences.
Let them share whatever is on their mind, even if it’s just a memory or a feeling they haven’t processed yet. Don’t interrupt, and don’t feel like you need to offer solutions. Just listen with love and without judgment.
10. Remember the Dates
The immediate aftermath of a loss is intense, but grief doesn’t end after the funeral or memorial service. The anniversaries, birthdays, and other significant dates can hit even harder.
Be the person who remembers those dates and checks in with your loved one. A simple “I know today might be hard for you, I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of their loved one’s passing can be incredibly meaningful. You might also offer to spend the day together or just remind them that you’re there.
Need Support?
Whether you’re grieving, or supporting the loss of someone else, moving through the overwhelm with a therapist can help.
Book a 15-minute free Discovery Call and get set up with a therapist as soon as this week.
