Improve Your Communication And Your Marriage In Three Simple Steps

Every marriage has conflict.  

I’m not sure that I’ve ever worked with a single couple who has not said that communication is one of the problems they have in their relationship.  It can be frustrating at best, and heartbreaking at worst, to not be able to get your message through to the person you love.  When you’re saying one thing and he or she is hearing something else, even the most optimistic among us can get discouraged.

But there is hope.  With a few small changes to what you’re doing and saying, you’ll be amazed at how much better you can communicate with your partner.  Here are three of my best tips for improving your communication, in your marriage and with everyone else that you talk with.

Start by committing to only having discussions with your partner when you’re both calm.  

I know, I know, this may seem totally unrealistic right now, but trust me, you can train yourselves to do it.  When we’re angry, we don’t think the same way that we do when we’re calm, and this is not a good thing if we’re in a discussion.  Take a time out if you need to – walk away for a few minutes, cool down, then come back with a clearer head.  You’ll need to decide well before you need to use a time out just how long it’s going to last (20-30 minutes is often enough time to calm down and be ready to discuss, not argue about, the issue).

Next, stay focused on the issue at hand.  

Who hasn’t had a “kitchen sink” argument, where we start out talking about one issue, then drag in every single hurt or grievance, everything but the kitchen sink?  They never get us what we want.  Get into the habit of discussing – and ideally, resolving – one issue at a time.  If you bring something up to your partner, and he says something along the lines of, “Well, how do you think I feel when you [insert his issue with you here]?” don’t get flustered.  Remember the first tip: stay calm.  Take a deep breath and say, “I’m happy to talk with you about [his issue], but as I started this discussion with you to talk about [insert your issue here], I’d really like to focus on that first, if we could, so that we don’t get sidetracked by too many topics all at once.  I’d be happy to talk about whatever is on your mind at another time.”

And finally, remember, ultimately, you’re both on the same team.  

Practice seeing the issue as something separate and outside the two of you.  Instead of defining the problem as, “You never pick up after yourself,” define it as, “The house isn’t always as tidy as it could be; how could we work together to fix that?”  This is a subtle shift, for sure, but it’s this kind of approach to problem-solving that keeps us from turning on each other and makes us more likely to be willing to compromise and have empathy for our partner’s point of view.  You’re in it together; don’t tell yourself that your partner is the enemy.  Stay calm, stay focused on the issue at hand, and stay the course until you can find a solution or compromise that leaves you both feeling good.